love is a taboo word...for me

ok, im not talking love in general, i mean the word love. its very taboo for me. so much so, ill say that i hate the word, its hard for me to say the word, even to my own family...

throughout my life ive been through many things, seen many things, been told many things. and the thing ive learned, is that the ones that are closest to you, are the ones who will hurt you the most. so i firmly believe "keep your friends close, and enemies closer" and i STRONGLY disagree with "its better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." i really hate this phrase. if i knew then what i know now, i wouldnt have made those decisions that in the long run, hurt me more than helped me. and this doesnt just stem from past relationships with ex-girlfriends, nein, i goes deeper than that.


im not gonna get into everything that happened, but it seemed that when i was at my lowest, my family kicked me when i was down, and turned their back on me, in fact, none of my family, except for 1 aunt and my mom, has helped me to this point. someone im not even related to has helped me more than anyone other than my mother has. dont get me wrong, i love my family very much, i just dont trust them. like my father treating me like trash, literally, my aunt(s) turning their back on my and treating me like vermin.

and then theres of course my ex's, i wont get into that either, but the last time i was in love i had no problem telling her that. but now, whenever someone says it to me, im hesitant to say it, or not at all. and its not because i dont, its jus a taboo word for me. some of its even that i easily become attached, some of it is im afraid, but none the less, if i dont say it, doesnt mean i dont. cuz i love some of my friends, but they prolly dont know that, cuz they wont hear it from me. its not cuz i dont, i jus really hard for me to say, even to my sister and niece and nephews, even to my own mother. hopefully one day ill get over it, but who knows, and its not that i dont trust you either, im jus very weary so if u do something f**** up to me, i wont b surprised...but i do love some of you... and yess, this was kinda hard to do